a former residency
Notes on emergency situation responses.
One thing I keep hearing is that there are only two types of people in the world. Beatles people or elvis people. Adult diaper people, or baby diaper people. disgusting neon energy drink with 8.8% alcohol people, or disgusting neon energy drink with 9.1% percent alcohol people.
This is sort of thinking is an obviously gross oversimplification, and trying to narrow the focus of human behavior into only two categories serves not only to undermine the natural progression of society and culture, but to increase the rate of deterioration for our whole ruined and crumbling empire civilization.
For this reason I have expanded the argument into three types of people.
We’re talking about emergencies today. The adrenaline, the animal response. The instinct. No time to think! What do you do?!
The emergency? You’re in a small house and you have go to the bathroom. No big deal right? Just a little number one… wrong. It’s not just a little number one. It’s a lot of number two. A LOT of number two and you have to go now. Really really badly. I have narrowed it down to three common response personalities.
The first type of person takes a shit in your house and doesn’t think twice about it. The 2nd type of person would not shit in your house, even in a semi emergency, because they don’t want to embarrass themselves by causing a hot swell of shitty air to float around for an hour or so. This person doesn’t want to be that guy who clogs the toilets, or is associated with taking shits. This person will even endure a fair degree of physical pain to avoid such negative associations. The third type carries some matches around, even though they don’t smoke, this way if an emergency shit comes they will be prepared. Person three probably wouldn’t take a shit in your house unless it was an emergency though, mostly for comforts sake. Person one doesn’t think about things like negative association, and will probably be just fine in life never doing so. Person two however… person two thinks about negative association all the time. Person two thinks about a lot of things. Over and over. And over. And over. And then thinks a little more.
Some things Person Two Might Think:
Why didn’t I bring some matches? I should always have some matches. It’s not like this is the first time this has happened. Oh god I can’t come out now. This fan isn’t even working. She’s going to smell it, they’re all going to smell it. They’ll be forced to think about me sitting in here. Like a little goblin. Just shitting like the little troll that I am. What am I saying, even beautiful people take shits. But they bring matches. Why couldn’t these people just leave some fucking matches around here, everyone knows those little fans don’t do shit. Oh god now I’m making unintentional puns. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry.
(editors note: person two chooses the crying option approx. 75% of the time)
I have always considered myself a person two, who might someday become person three. Like when someone tells you “kid, you’ve got potential”. I’m not sure how I feel about this fact, because I think a big part of potential is just plain and simple youth. The younger you are the more potential you have. You see a kid age 12 who sucks at guitar, and you tell him to keep trying! He’s got a lot of potential! Ahhh the glass! It’s half full! You see a guy who’s 35 and sucks at guitar, you might tell him to keep trying, but deep inside you know… guy is probably going to suck at guitar for the rest of his life. Each day brings me closer to person three. Or farther away.
Here are some pictures of my friend dorian, my friend james, and a plastic roboraptor. Guess which photograph represents which personality type!